No matter how loud you scream...

...Sometimes you just have to shake your head...

Scene on the unit:

Patient brought in by ambulance because of "abd pain" at 36 wks pregnant. One of our "rougher population" patients, complete with dilated pupils and strange affect. Are we thinking "coke hit" yet? Didn't quite work the way her friends told her it would and labor was still hurting her. Pt refused cervical exam in ambulance and Pt is now writhing on bed, screaming, pulling at her matted dreadlocks with bright red, 2inch, fake nails, cursing the world and generally carrying on with the "crazies".

::Enter room left:: SportyNurse carrying IV fluids and paraphenelia. Trailing noticeably behind, TerrifiedMedStudent clutching rifled notebook with tense fingers.

CrazyPt upon seeing SportyNurse, starts screaming "No way you are sticking me, I'm in too much @#* pain. Get away from me, I'm not havin' this @#*@ baby, get it outta me..."

CrazyPt jumps up out of bed and heads towards the door, TerrifiedMedStudent ducks behind curtain and out of way of ranting pt. SportyNurse steps in front of pt and holds out calming hands.

SportyNurse: "it's okay, we'll help you get through this, if you let me start this IV, we can get you an epidural and help this pain go away. I do need to monitor the baby though please, we want to make sure everything is alright with her"

CrazyPt: "no @#*@ way! Get away from me, I'm not havin' this @#*@ baby! AHHH... it hurts so bad, get it outta me! I'm NOT doin this, get away from me!"

::Enter Room Left:: 2nd year resident, looking harried and tired, swinging stethescope as she looks at clipboard.

HarriedResident: "hey, what's going on in here? Have you checked her yet and how is baby's heartrate?" Pausing to look up "Hey - why are you out of bed and not hooked up to the monitors?"

SportyNurse rolls eyes at HarriedResident: "she's a bit upset right now, haven't got to check her yet, she doesn't want to have the baby right now, wanna help out?"

CrazyPt: "Get outta my room, I'm NOT havin this baby... it hurts too #@** much. AHHHH... get it outta me!"

HarriedResident rolls eyes back at SportyNurse: "Ms. ***, we HAVE to check out how your baby is doing and the only way we can help you stop hurting is to get an IV started..."

CrazyPt: "No @#** way! Get outta my way, I'm leavin this @**@ place.... I'm NOT havin this *@** baby!! runs towards door, shoving past HarriedResident and SportyNurse.

::Exit Room Left:: CrazyPt running/waddling down the hall, hospital gown flapping wide open. Following quickly and calling after her, HarriedResident. A moment after grabbing a pair of gloves - SportyNurse jogs down the hall after her pt...

HarriedResident: "Ms. ***, Ms. ***, please stop, you need to come back to your room..." stopping next to CrazyPt, now doubled over in the hallway, groaning loudly.

SportyNurse upon hearing pt groan, "Oh NO! Call nursery, doc grab some gloves quick..."

HarriedResident looks up in confusion and then bends over to peek between groaning pt's straddled legs: "...Whaa-- WHAT? NO WAY, oh great, where are some gloves... Somebody call nursery STAT... where is a stretcher people??!! I need some help!" HarriedResident proceeds to dash between room alcoves, looking for gloves.

SportyNurse, squatting calmly behind CrazyPt, gloved and supporting fetal head protruding from CrazyPt: "hey, uh...doc - I got a head here, wanna grab me a blanket or something? Call the charge nurse please!"

CrazyPt meanwhile screaming between grunts "NO, NO, NO - I am NOT having this baby..."
One more grunt and....

SportyNurse catches rest of baby's body as it slides out of mom, baby instantly begins screaming (Thank God!!), "Okay, I really need some help here, what was the time of delivery... I could use a clamp and a blanket!!"

HarriedResident slides to a breathless stop next to SportyNurse and CrazyPt, triumphantly holding up a package of sterile gloves, "Found some! Uh..Oh... well, umm...okay! Baby sounds good..."

::Enter Hallway Right:: ChargeNurse with blankets and emergency delivery kit, Tech pushing stretcher, 2 more Residents and 3 NurseryPersonnel.

ChargeNurse: "Everything under control here? Here's some blankets..."

CrazyPt, shaking back dreadlocks and standing up straight, clears throat, says calmly: "oh, I just had me a baby... that was @***# hard... I ain't NEVER gonna do that again!!"

TerrifiedMedStudent, poking head out CrazyPt's room down the hall, "Everything okay? Oh, huh, looks like I missed out on all the fun..."


And the rule is: ALWAYS grab your gloves!!